Viagra Jokes To Lighten The Mood a Bit

A crate load of Viagra has been stolen from a distribution depot - police are looking for hardened criminals. 

It's been revealed that criminals who steal Viagra will face stiff penalties. 

A man and his wife went to the chemist to pick up his prescription for Viagra. Seeing the $10 per pill price, the man was astonished - but his wife had a different opinion - "Oh, $40 a year ain't too bad". 

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Anxious to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but, in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them. 

Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off. Just as his wife comes home, the Viagra kicks in and it's hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted. "What happened?" the man asks, "You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?"The cockatiel pants: "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs of a frozen chicken?

There's a new beverage on the market...it's called Viagraccino - one cup and you're up all night.

And did you hear about the man who spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he's hard up.

We're told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs mean an upswing in business.

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor's office. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you suggested. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes off the table, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right then and there on the table." The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Naah..." she says, "that's okay. We wouldn't go back to that restaurant anyway."

Q: What do you get when you mix Viagra and Prozac?

A: A guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where. 

Q: What is the difference between your first honeymoon and your second?

A: The first: Niagara; the second: Viagra.

Q: How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One little pill, and it's a whole new bulb.

As the man began walking toward the door, his wife asked, "Where are you going?" The man replied, "I'm going to the doctor." "Why? Are you sick?" the wife asked. "No," the husband replied. "I'm going to get me some of them new Viagra pills."His wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her coat. The husband turned to her and asked, "Where are you going?" The wife replied, "I'm going to the doctor, too." "Why?" asked her husband. His wife replied, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot."

Q: What do Viagra and Disney World have in common?

A: A one-hour wait for a two-minute ride.

Q: Did you hear what happens to men who take iron supplements and then use Viagra?

A: When they get an erection, they point north.

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I'm over 80 - I don't need them for sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they're raising the dead!

If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor!

Are you taking Viagra, or are you just happy to see me?

The makers of Viagra have announced a plan to use proceeds from the sale of Viagra to finance the development of a pill for women that will make elderly men desirable.

Diary of a Viagra Housewife...

Dear Diary: 

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. 

Day 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. (Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know!) I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp. 

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!

Day 10
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker.

Day 11
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do?

Day 12
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

Day 13
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.

Day 15
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me! 

Day 16
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.

Day 17
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me Mother Theresa revs his motor.

Day 20
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: STIFF. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket!

Q: Do you know the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A: The Catholic wife tells her husband to buy Viagra. The Jewish wife tells her husband to buy Pfizer.

Q: Did you hear about Levi's new jeans for Baby Boomer men?

A: They come with just a "Viagra" more room.

Q: Why do nursing homes give Viagra to their male patients?

A: To keep them from rolling out of bed.

Q: Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra?

A: A man took twelve pills and his wife died.

One morning, two 80-year-old men sat talking about the weather and the latest in medical science and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other elderly man isn't familiar with Viagra and asks the first man what is it for. The first man says, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth! Makes you feel like a man of thirty." The second man then asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" "You probably could, if you took two pills," replies the first man.

Q: Did you hear about the man that died from taking Viagra?

A: It was terrible; they buried him in an open casket.

Q: If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use?

A: A growth chart.

Q: Did you hear about the new Viagra computer virus?

A: It turns your floppy disk into a hard drive.

One morning a long-wed couple were in an amorous embrace and the wife says: "Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast... eggs, bacon, toast..."

The husband says: "No, I'm not hungry, the Viagra takes away my appetite." 

Later in the day, the wife says: "Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets..." 

The husband again refuses, "I'm just not hungry after using that Viagra." 

Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, "Are you hungry yet?, I'll fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls." 

The husband still refuses, "No, that Viagra just kills my appetite." 

The wife then firmly says "Well, I'm getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!!!"

We loved Newsweek's comments on the trade name Microsoft, to wit:
Let's see... "Micro" and "Soft."
Needs Viagra!

A man goes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?""Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces the proud physician. "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history." So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly. "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man. "I haven't been home yet."

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell him Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds. "No, not worth it!" "Okay, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?" "No, not worth it!" "Okay, 20?""No, not worth it!" "How about 10?" "No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost US$10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?" "Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."    

More Viagra jokes?

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